Wow. Can you people believe it?

 seriously, whats happening to me? Wanna say karma? But have i really done so many bad stuffs that i deserve so much bullshit at this time of my life?

  Yupp, its still about her. Damn she's driving me crazy..! We recently met a few times to "clear things up" which what i was hoping for to set things right back. But every time we meet, she kept dropping bombs on me..! And then there was awkward silence which we both hate. Not once for 4 years we hang out together, there was awkward silence. I guess things change........because of me. Me and my stupid idea.

  I'm not usually that stupid. Actually I used to be a different person. I used to be someone who doesn't care about what the world thinks and doing everything i want. Prioritizing all my other commitments above my relationships. Thinks through a very important decision before actually doing it. And a lot more. But these days, I'm way different. I'm starting to have commitment issues. I do things without giving much thoughts. What's happening?

  I'd like to think that I have change. But, for the better or worse? Maybe time will tell. Or maybe there's no better or worse. Its just Change.

  Uhhhhhh..! Training is really taking a toll on me. 5 times a week is exhausting. Okay, maybe it wouldn't be exhausting if I had enough rest. But unfortunately, I don't have enough rest. Plus I have hardly run for the past 2 weeks..! What's going on with me?!! Training is getting tough. I'm playing a new position which I can do nothing much is kinda dumb. So I thought of that I should quit the national team and join a club and play for leisure. But that would mean I'm gonna have to waste my money on it rather then earning money playing the beautiful game..

  A lot of bullshit happening luhhh. Can't remember the last time a good thing have happen to me. Haizz. What to do?

 Ooohh and things couldn't get worse. Just heard news of my relatives overseas are going power hungry? Okay more like money hungry. Heard they are fighting with each other over money, money and more money. And at some point, I heard me and my family are in a way, involved in the matter. Haizz, left them for a while without seeing them and BANG..! They turn to be come hungry assholes. Okay, the screwed up part is that, i'm hearing these stories from both sides. And I heard totally different accounts. Which one to side and believe siaaaa..?


 I seriously dunno what to do, expect or wait for anymore. Not that I'm crazy or what. I just hope something REALLY REALLY BAD happens to me. So that I can actually be more thankful and actually cherish the life I'm having rather then having all these empty and stupid moments lingering in my life.


I used to be......

heck cared about what the world think of me.

 Now, I became someone like this~

person who became emo over stupid stuffs and all

 i hate it that i love you

What the hell is going on?

 Ohhh so its a new year...... Not gonna talk about stupid resolution, make a wish for this and that for the new year, bla bla bla. My life these days have suckkkk. Serious down to the core. I always thought life have a balance. Like if many bad things happening to you, good things will come sooner or later. But, it just have suck too much to the point whereby I can't be optimistic about anything anymore!

  Okay, maybe I made a wrong move by doing something that I know I will regret doing. But I know I will regret more if I don't try. I expect to lose everything when the beans have been spilled. And it did happen. I lost everything, but I expected it to happen, so I was fine. But I didn't know the full extent of the damage I have done until the dust have settled down. I miss every one bit of it. Even though expecting it, I didn't know I could feel so miserable losing her.

 And these days, life is just more miserable. School is throwing shits. Group mates are being hopeless. Very hopeless. And here am i being all sleep deprived with just 2hrs of sleep and could still last the whole day and still blogging here. Sometimes I wonder, what the hell am I doing here putting myself through all this shits?

  I don't know why, but not once things happen my way. There is so many things I wanna do. I wanna go run, wanna play basketball, wanna go on an adventure. But things can never once happen my way. No time to run even though I've promise myself. No friends to play basketball with. No adventures =(  I'd like to believe that I'm going through all this shit for a reason. For a better tomorrow if you may say so. Or something that i can look forward to in life. I wanna know the future is good ahead. you know like a rainbow after a thunderstorm?

 I feel so........empty these days. So abandoned. So meaningless. So wronged. So guilty. So afraid. So embarrassed. Feel like I'm wasting most of my time these days to dumbness and all. I guess after all, I'm just waiting for something good to come along. That's the only thing I can hope for. And I'd like to believe it will come.

 However fucked up it seems. A friend told me, maybe that I'm just choosing not to see the good sides. Like not seeing things that is around me. Things that make me who I am today. I tend to see it as a bad thing because I've always been so caught up in my own idea of my own "perfect life" but never realize there are better things to expect then just my dreams. I dunno.

  But for now, I just need something. Anything. Hopefully something new. Something that could keep my mind busy instead realizing my shits. Things are no longer the way it its. It getting too crappier these days. Its no more "S.N.A.F.U"
The situation have just changed to a F.U.B.A.R


~fauzi

In life, you just don't have so much time as you think you have